An Interview With Nicholas Diabolos

                                           (By:  John Robert Howell)



Nicholas Diabolos, known jocularly to many of his acquaintances as "Old Nick", is a well-known expert on and purveyor of animal magnetism and prevarication.  I was quite surprised when he accepted my offer for an interview, since I have never been an admirer of him or his line of goods.  A portion of the interview follows.

JRH:  You've been in business a long time.  How are things going?

ND:  Better than I have any right to expect.  I got in the groove right out of the box with the Adam and Eve affair and haven't looked back since.  That talking snake was a stroke of genius.  Who would have thought anyone would "bite" on a ploy like that?  Even if something is as ugly as sin and deadly as a mamba, I've learned that if you gussy it up and come up with a smooth line of patter people will not only want it, but pay a premium for it to boot. 

Just make it appealing and easy to obtain, handy like, and then watch for that glimmer of desire and acceptance in their eyes.  When you see that you just set the hook and reel them in.  If they start giving you any of that Bible stuff about Christ's love for man, redemption, or salvation, then you hit them hard with a strong dose of fear and damnation.  That almost always takes the fight out of them.

That fellow Christ Jesus almost cheesed it for me, though, a couple of millennia ago.  He said "follow my teachings and example and be free from the clutches of sin, sickness, disease, death, and the belief of life in matter."  He healed and regenerated hundreds, if not thousands, and then added insult to injury by telling them they could do the same for themselves.  I tell you, I had to lay it on with a trowel after he came, but pretty soon after Paul and his followers the healing bit faded away and people got all tangled up in doctrinal disputes and dogmas.  Then the Dark Ages settled peacefully over mankind and I was loose on the range again.

I've had to update my project line from time to time to keep up with changes, but that's only to be expected.  For example, when tuberculosis ceased to be the big terror it once was I moved cancer onto the front page of my catalogue.  Pushing that boogeyman has been a lark.  As the great poet said in A Midsummer-Night's Dream (Act IV, sc. 1): "How easy is a bush supposed a bear!"  It's been a big seller, and I can  hardly keep it in stock.  If victims start to wander back to the good Shepherd for help I give them an extra-big dose of naked fear and despair.  Only the most devout and trusting in Christ's Way can resist that treatment.

Man's faith in doctoring and medical practice has also really been a boon.  The medical profession is better than a silent partner.  They unwittingly keep my clients in line, and I don't even have to share my profits with them.  I may lose some business, but at least God doesn't get it.  So long as people are distracted by all the mesmeric claims of medical practice and medicine, God can only do so much for them.  When they turn wholeheartedly to Him and follow the Way of Christ Jesus, it's all over for me.  I shudder when folks pick up a Bible and read it.  You never know when they might just take hold of one of the truths they find there and run with it.  That's a devil-killer for sure, so it's good lots of people don't really understand it.

JRH:  What do you tell people to do when they need help?  Suppose they are sick or unemployed or have a family crisis of some sort.

NH:  I tell them I can't do anything for them.  They bought the ticket for the ride they're on, not me.  Or I may tell them that society provides services for those who need many kinds of help, so they can avail themselves of that assistance or the aid of doctors and medicine if they're sick.  You've got to remember that hope and comfort aren't in my product line.

JRH:  About 125 years ago a lady named Mary Baker Eddy published a book titled Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures.  I'd like to know what you think about it.

ND:  That book was for me and my institute a nightmare come to life.  For centuries the influence of the Bible as a source of healing and comforting truths had been blunted or watered down by some of my special products.  It was always there if someone could find the key and the light to read it clearly by, but until Mrs. Eddy, no one was really getting a handle on the Bible and making full use of the inspired Word.

One night some wag put a complimentary copy of Science and Health on my stoop, and when I left for work the next morning I caught my big toe on it and went flying like a witch on a broom.  I never figured out how that happened, since the book wasn't really that thick, but it didn't budge a millimeter when I caught my toe on it.  I tell you I suffered a long time from that initial encounter and from the effects that book has had on me and my operations ever since.

From that day to this it's been a running battle, touch and go, advance and retreat.  Fortunately, though, some of the same stuff I pulled years ago to get the people all riled up over Christ Jesus still works like magic today, with a little freshening up to suit the times.  See, in my business it isn't truth and susbtance that matter, but appearances.  I don't have to prove anything to anyone.  Just get them to believe matter is real and the rest pretty much takes care of itself.  Remeber, I'm a smoke and mirrors guy, and if the smoke should suddenly clear, I'm gone.  Christian Scientists are the very worst, or best if you prefer, at uncovering and spoiling all my clever, subtle deceptions.

But it all started with that book Science and Health.  It's like a wooden stake in the heart of a vampire, the final line in I Pagliacci: "La commedia e finita!"  Counteracting the influence of that book keeps me busy, believe me.  Truth understood and expressed, even a tiny morsel, has an arm longer than the law's and a grip like a snapping turtle's.  And what's worse, anyone can get the book, read it himself, and make use of what he reads right then and there.

Fortunately, Mrs. Eddy herself foresaw one little obstacle to immediate and full acceptance of her book, when she wrote, and I quote:  "Take divine Science.  Read this book from beginning to end.  Study it, ponder it.  It will indeed be sweet at its first taste, when it heals you; but murmur not over Truth if you find its digestion bitter."  (S & H 559:20-23)  I've been pushing a great line of bitter digestives for many years, and I think I've managed to discourage quite a few souls.  But I can't defeat the simplest of truths.  Even a tiny child with a live truth in his hands is the "Terminator" to the best of the mendacities I peddle.  I'm busy on some new material though, because if men and women ever find out the health, happiness, and harmony Chistian Science can bring to their lives it's Chapter 11 for me.

JRH:  Briefly, how does your future look?

ND:  Well, business is certainly booming.  There is probably more sickness, poverty, distress, hate, and fear than there's ever been.  I just have to hope that it doesn't dawn on people that they'll never find permanent solutions to any of these problems in the very realm in which the problems occur.  I mean, if you make a mistake with a number 3 pencil you correct it with an eraser, not a number 2 pencil.  But I'm sure in no hurry to set them straight.

On the whole I'd say I'll do OK if more people don't find Science and Health and Christian Science and put them to use.  Meanwhile, I'll pray (chuckle) that this doesn't happen.